It’s axiomatic that we now live in an on-demand delivery world. As merchants and their wheeled partners attempt logistical alchemy around that dreaded last mile, our thoughts turn to what is being delivered, and the requests that ride along.
No, not burritos and salads.
We mean things like personalized potatoes. We mean four ounces of dirt — for $110.
Anything and everything is deliverable now, it seems. It’s been trending madly throughout the pandemic as frightened and/or lazy-bored people trawl subscription sites and marketplaces looking for offbeat items to nurture their inner weirdo, have fun or break the monotony.
Starting with strange special delivery rants, we turn to the 2021 Uber Eats Cravings Report.
In it we discover that “no onions” is the number one directive given for food delivery orders, but that doesn’t come close to the discursive directions from what Uber calls “The Ramblers.”
These are actual instructions customers sent with their orders last year. Here’s our favorite:
“Oh ye, paragons of pastries craft, yon into hither box the reaping of your craft. Please hook me up with 10 maple bars or as close as you can (please no ‘filled’ it’s too much raw maple. I know, you’re thinking ‘this guy needs to up his maple tolerance’ and you’re right, but I’m working on it, baby steps.) and then a couple glazed old fashioned as well. You guys are the real MVPs out here doin’ the doughnut work, I’ll raise a glass in your honor … then I will put the glass down and stuff my face with doughnuts.”
We don’t know this person, but we want to eat a doughnut with them just to see what happens.
Sticking with the food theme, let’s add some detail to our opening potato teaser.
There’s nothing starchy about the vibe at Anonymous Potato, which will emblazon a personal message, an image of your face or an entire photo on a gift spud and deliver it.
In fact, we found several potato-customizing delivery services — Mystery Potato is also cool — which makes one wonder: Didn’t potato gifting fade out in the ’90s? Like, the 1790s? Seems not.
Tubers too tame for your taste? Have it your way, tough guy. See how you do with voodoo.
For the pagan in all of us, there’s Box of Shadows. This sorcerous subscription box service offers a few bundles for the aspiring Wiccan, from “The Initiate” (altar decor, introductory books, and basic rituals), to “The Priestess” (they don’t even say exactly what’s included, but it’s got to be deep), to “The Supreme,” promising to assist with “turning knowledge into practice.”
Not sure how we feel about that last one. If we see a neighbor receive “The Supreme,” you’d better believe we’re sending them the best potato money can buy — and not anonymously.
In closing, we’d like to address the topic of subscription dirt. Sounds simple. It’s not.
Last year a dramatic soil saga came to a dusty end when now defunct subscription service BlackOxygen shut down amid mostly government issues with its magic dirt.
As NBC News reported in December, “Black Oxygen Organics, or ‘BOO’ for short, is difficult to classify. It was marketed as fulvic acid, a compound derived from decayed plants, that was dug up from an Ontario peat bog,” and adding this: “Put more simply, the product is dirt — four-and-a-half ounces of it, sealed in a sleek black plastic baggie and sold for $110 plus shipping.”
Make of it what you will. As for us, we’re still trying to decide between the Skulls Unlimited’s BoneBox or the Letters From Dead People subscription.
Let’s set up the altar from Box of Shadows and ask. Then we should probably run.
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