In a move that has left commentators on both sides of the aisle reeling and a little confused, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid took to the floor on Congress’ Upper Chamber to urge his fellow senators to appoint actor Mark Hamill to the position of the United States Cybersecurity czar.”
Well, sort of.
What Senator Reid actually said when he opened his remarks to his fellow senators was that he was urging the promotion of Luke Skywalker to the promotion of sabre security chief to protect Americans from threats to their online security that are “domestic, foreign and intergalactic.”
Reid went on to note that the world is changing, and that the sabre criminals of the world will not always be content to merely still our personal information and scrape credit card numbers from retail POS. He said that in his opinion, sabre criminals will not be content until the whole world is plunged into fear.
“Fear,” Senator Reid said, quoting Yoda, “is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”
Senators were divided on Reid’s proposal. Some full-throatily supported Reid, others were in favor of sabre security in general, but really didn’t think the U.S. government – particularly the Congress – was particularly well-suited to run without making frequent use of fear, anger, hatred or suffering as a tool.
A surprisingly small number observed that Mark Hamill is an actor, “Star Wars” is a movie and that the issue is cybersecurity, not sabre security.
“Should we tell him,” one junior Senator was heard whispering to Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “that our big problem is cybersecurity – not sabre security?”
“Are you kidding,” McConnell responded. “This is literally the most interesting thing Harry Reid has ever said – and I don’t mean in Congress, I mean in life. I for one intended to see this one through, trust me, he’s never going to be interesting again after today.”
Shortly thereafter, Harry Reid announced that he would not seek reelection.
Editor’s Note: This article is part of the PYMNTS.com special April Fools’ edition. Any connection to fact is purely coincidental.
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