In a unanimous vote, Congress named former “Two and a Half Men” actor and self-proclaimed “Vatican assassin warlock” Charlie Sheen the inaugural director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
“[Expletive] and [expletive] to you all!” proclaimed Sheen before a crowd of cheering lawmakers. “For my first act as Director, I am renaming the CFPB to be called Charlie’s Financial Protection Bureau. Second, I plan to hire 1,224 goddesses as my staff and to make all consumers [expletive].”
Spotted shedding tears of joy was Special Treasury Department Adviser and consumer advocate Elizabeth Warren, who had been working to get the CFPB up and running.
“Charlie Sheen’s ‘winning’ ways and tiger blood are just what this organization needs to get started on the right foot,” said Warren. “Unlike myself, he is a uniting force for lawmakers.”
President Obama today called Sheen “just the change this country needs to get financial reform back on track.”
“Charlie Sheen knows what the public wants,” explained the President. “After all, ‘Two and a Half Men’ was TV’s No. 1 sitcom.”
When asked earlier about how he plans to rehabilitate consumer financial protection, Sheen responded “with my mind.”
“It cured me of my addictions, and look how well I’m [expletive] doing now,” Sheen asserted.
Sheen added that he plans to continue to work with Warren. The two have already been in the studio recording a follow-up to Warren’s first hit single, “Got a New Sherriff.” Sheen recently Tweeted, “Warlock + Warren = Music Awesomeville”.
(The views and facts in this article are 100% fabricated in honor of April Fools!)
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