(Little Rock, Arkansas) – As the Federal Reserve announced official implementation of the interchange provisions of the Durbin Amendment this morning, Ozark State Community Bank, a local credit union here on the outskirts of Little Rock, joined the growing ranks of regional and national banks across the country in announcing the closure of its consumer deposits business and an exit from direct engagement in managing consumer access to deposit funds, mailing envelopes of cash to former depositors while reconfiguring ATMs to distribute a range of new currency tenders, such as baseball cards and old black-and-white photos of Marilyn Monroe.
John Lee Hooper, President of the thrift, announced the closure: “Here at OSCB, we’ve focused relentlessly for the last 30 years on serving the working families of Little Rock with basic financial services. However, today I am sad to announce that we can no longer afford to manage money for the hard-working folks of Little Rock. I’ve reviewed our charter, and while it says we must run as a not-for-profit, it doesn’t obligate us to run at a massive unsustainable loss. So, we’re returning everyone’s cash and looking at investments in livestock pens and self-storage space as we modernize our offerings to line up with the new barter economy.”
With the collapse of national electronic payments systems in the wake of the Durbin Amendment implementation, consumers in this southern town are now taking bags of used toys, auto parts, family pets, furniture and used home electronics to major retailers to exchange for food, clothing, medicine and new home electronics. Local handyman and plumbing contractor Joe Simms responded to our recent on-site PYMNTS.con Innovation Survey as follows: “Mobile Payment? Heck yeah, I’m gonna use mobile payments. Why, this here John Deere Lawn Boy 800 riding mower is a great mobile payment. I’m driving this sucker to Kroger to trade it in for those ribs and beer I need for the Final Four game party I’m having this weekend. Mobile payment? You bet! All that and a bag of mulch. Can’t get that with an iPhone!”
And, just as they promised in post-ruling testimony, major big box retailers are taking advantage of their substantial savings of 2 cents per purchase to hire new employees, putting Americans back to work by supplementing storefront “greeters” with newly trained “hagglers” who negotiate with consumers for rate of exchange on barter items they bring to the store. However, this jobs boost has been short-lived as more progressive retailers, always cutting costs, have begun to outsource haggling to overseas specialist firms, particularly to newly formed call centers set up in Moroccan souks.
There have been, of course, some early issues with this outsourcing/offshoring model, with much of the haggling lost in translation until one major chain normalized rates of exchange at one toddler = 10 goats. Meanwhile Congress – concerned about inflationary pressures in the value of housecats – has asked the Fed to intervene in establishing barter exchange tables and to manage national rates of barter exchange, published daily. Across the country, as here in Little Rock, banks have restructured their consumer deposit management business by shuttering branches and opening warehouses to store consumer barter deposits.
Here, in the American heartland, the distribution hubs of the UPS and FedEx businesses are booming as retailer inventory logistics management grows to include a national barter net settlement, carrying consumer goods from deposit warehouses to merchant inventory centers and back.
While retailers and reformist Congressmen alike praise the new economic mode of commerce, the national migration to barter has not been without a few bumps along the way. In Texarkana last week, the cost of one roast-free range chicken soared to two live chickens. Consumer panic ensued and led to a run on major poultry producers by consumers and grocers alike until ConAgra, in concert with the FDA and the Fed, stepped in to regulate the poultry market. The coalition flooded the roads of the Southeast with chicken crossings in an effort to ease inflationary pressures. Results, and roadkill, have been mixed.
Elsewhere, today in the nation’s capital, Federal Reserve Chairman Benjamin Bernanke joined President Obama in praising the improvements in the national economy brought by the Dodd-Frank act and a return to more traditional modes of economic exchange.
“Today I join President Obama in hailing a return in America to simpler times, a return to core American values,” the Fed Chair said from behind his new speaker’s podium made of melted, recycled JPMorgan Chase debit cards, “…an America where a man’s worth was not measured by his contents of his wallet, but rather by the number of cows he could bring to market to exchange for basic family necessities like food, medicine and that cool new Xbox where you jump around to make your avatar move! I’ve been saving up 30 signed photos of myself with Obama to go get one, but it looks like those pics have been dropping in value at BestBuy, so I may
have to drive out to Hagerstown to get one at Wal-Mart. But the economy is definitely in recovery! Promise! Pretty sure!”
The Fed Chairman then stepped down from the dais to greet his old friend Robert Rubin and exchange handshakes, business cards, neckties and a few pairs of Ferragamo loafers.
(The views and facts in this article are 100% fabricated in honor of April Fools!)
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